Dreams Exiled ..

 Dear You! 

Let me start to tell you this; I come from a country torn of war... of Wars...

They call it a crisis, a conflict, an insurgency... They are brave to make it short, one word .. but for me .. it is life watched from a wormhole... 

I had the weirdest dream ever! And Tom Elis was the superstar! 

Don't get it wrong! It was his birthday, and I – as a loyal follower - was bombarded with endless posts, pictures, videos.. ( you know how it goes) .. so he invaded the fragile veil that my subconscious has these days ( still recovering from Covid) … 

In this dream, we were back in my country, on one of the most beautiful beaches. The Elis family, some of Lucifer's friends (the show on Netflix – sadly, Aimee Garcia wasn't not there)... We stayed at this nice fancy hotel (I've never been in my life in a hotel in that city). I wanted to go for a swim in the roofless indoor pool, and of course, I end up dangling my feet to touch the water, because I can't swim... 

Tom was telling me with his charming British accent, that the city is "utterly charming".. and he would've never imagined "hell" would be "heavenly beautiful".. all the pun intended…! 

I asked him if he saw the beach .. he shook his head, and his glasses never even twitched (I wonder how he does that! mine are always dangling like loose pants after a good diet). We went to blow off the candles on the roof .. with the two blues connected endlessly...  the sea turns my eyes blue... but so far away... if Lucifer can spread his white wings, put me in his arms, and fly slowly .. I'm sure that if I touched the water... if I'm brushed with waves .. it will save even the devil's soul.. but it was FORBIDDEN! We were not allowed to go to the beach .. IN MY OWN DREAM... I got blocked again .. there are ZONES I am not allowed to enter .. dreams need permits... 

My heart ached, and it still hurt when I woke up... I close my eyes, imagine the beach that I cannot quite recall .. the dot in the endless blue that was my dad swimming back .. my bare toes rooting in the sand and waiting for the waves to unroot them... so I can root them again... When I was young, I was always scared to go into the sea, but in endless peace being close to it... 

They can't expel me from my memories! 

I still struggle to understand how much I truly lost... Sometimes, I find it quite hard to see that I lost something in the first place. I came so far that the old me would have never even dared to dream.. but when I woke up today, I realized .. that now, even dreams have no right to be there... My dreams have no access to a place to show people I care about .. to show them that we are more than just a 'chronic conflict' in random coordinates... 

Forever Yours! 

Me

P.S. Happy birthday, Tom Elis!  Though the dream was hellish (as #Lucifer and #Netflix know).. it was still blessed by you! Please bring Amiee next time! She can giggle all the sadness away!   

Hope we never crossroads again,

Dear You,

I'm convinced of the power of forgiveness and its liberating power .. I'm still struggling to forgive you, though...

The dilemma here that now I know what I need to forgive you for was something of my own doing.

I need to forgive that you were the silent witness of a series of self-inflicting wounds did to myself by accepted you as a choice in my life.

I guess I always knew and stubbornly ignored that you and I will never work out. I felt in every moment. with every detail I get to know about you, you became a stranger to me .. and I was scared to face that truth .. the image I weaved about you .. was, in reality, the negation of who you really were .. and I was a coward, my dear, to confess that bitter truth to my self: my superhero is somewhere else, and I, with the naivety and disconnection of reality .. gave it your face.

I guess I owe you an apology .. not to release you from the endless pain you caused of incapability of being decent enough to try ( as I witnessed that you do with all the other things you 'want') .. but my apology comes from a sincere feeling of injustice that I laid on you, by strangling you with expectations...

Today, after endless months of swinging between blame and pain, I allowed myself to acknowledge the truth. My fragility at that time was fed deeply by you. You were unable to recognize your self, and you did confess it. I should've been true to myself and allow that truth to sink in: it is a pure reality that you won't be able to recognize me as well.

Like you, I was strangled with a life of uncertainties that I thought having you will make that bearable. And you ask me now what changed? I guess just a simple thing: I decided to accept the uncertainties .. and by accepting them, a new light emerged, and I saw me and, to my utter surprise: it is beautiful .. and I saw how much being together with you was the worst experience of estrangement: I was living in the rift: in the shattered space between us, alone, where you and I never came together. How fortunate the future is, that this in-betweenness didn't belong to any world, and it didn't become one as well...

I was confused by everything I thought I knew about life and found out I was a prisoner of shaking and conflicting norms and stories .. that I lost the true essence of what gives them life .. my self. You see, we give the pulse to the world in between when we choose to show up and hold our ground. It needs two pulses, my dear, and unfortunately, there was only one...

Loving you resulted in losing faith in the magic that this unworldly experience ... the fairytale .. the constructed image of what love is and isn't .. so .. sadly, I got liberated...

And now, Forgiving, you mean that I forgive myself and that I am completely free .. and I guess I'm in that process...

I will be free soon,

Hope we never crossroads again,

Me! 

Thoughts about solitude, love and us ..

Dear You!

It has been a long time, I do think of you, and I desire to talk to you till stars dim off. But to be honest, I am experiencing a new state of being, a sense of calmness that I haven't wrapped my mind around so far. We both know my dear, talking to you will disturb this .. waiting for an answer, anticipating a certain response, and you're good, my dear with that .. so good that makes me long for more... 

How about we give this sense of 'calmness' time to settle in my unstable bones... I need a point of reference, of knowing for a fact that I can be content with the absence of others. That solitude isn't being alone or feeling lonely. It is a mere pleasure of one listening to herself, having the ability to embrace one's inner voice as a tired friend seeking recognition .. and my inner friend has been lonely and fighting alone for a long time, my dear... We finally decided to come to terms and find a way to co-exist with accepting our fatal disagreements. 

You're welcome anytime, join our discussions and silences, but for the time being, forgive my shortcomings of coming to you. 

I've been reading for Hannah Arendt a lot, my dear, and let me tell you something, she is a genius. She writes like she is trying to explain to herself what happened to the world .. or what is happening. I'm still in the process of reading... and she allows my thought to have a companion and my doubts about having an echo... 

For her, my dear, romance, love, and friendship are not defined well. I would say that they are shaded and mistaken by the world's thirst to find a crack in the cruelties of men's actions in the endless search of a meaning, which, for the time being, I believe to be the beautiful curse of being human... I might change my mind later, as I'm reading more and more .. but for now, let me share this : 

"The common prejudice that love is as common as ‘romance’ may be due to the fact that we all learned about it first through poetry. But the poets fool us; they are the only ones to whom love is not only a crucial, but an indispensable experience, which entitles them to mistake it for a universal one."

I know your love for poetry is deep. Still, you see, my dear, poets fool us. They make us forget about life at large and make the "search for epic love," in the romantic sense, the center of our journey of being, and the only condition for our happiness to flourish .. but I believe this not to be real... I believe that love exists when the sun brushes your face .. the light comes when least expected, and the unconditionality of giving. It is a state of mind and heart aligned with the universe, between all of us and things .. maybe, I find love in keeping this -in-betweenness- intact. She mentions this idea deeply about : 

 "The world lies between people, and this in-between is today the object of the greatest concern and the most obvious upheaval in almost all the countries of the globe."  

So remember, my dear, she was talking about this in 1959, and let me tell you, I've been giving this idea a lot of thought .. do you know what I think happened to love my dear, it lost its space, when the "love" made two people become "one".. when you lose this in-betweenness .. love loses its place for expression and appearance .. of harnessing its full power and keeping us stable, here the world. The need to find this "oneness," my dear, is pure imagination and destructive in its core logic when it becomes real. 

The oneness is only apparent to a person who, in his own mind, sees the other in a constant dialogue. The "worldly things," in Hannah's words, can become one only by an act of violence. It means it is destroying the very essence of love as a power of creation .. love merges two people, completely by freedom of choice, for a short time, whether physically or spiritually, but also releases them from being imprisoned in that merger forever. It could create one being ( by having a child), but it rests peacefully in the mutual and rejects the sameness... 

I know, I know .. this has been long, too much, but you know me .. when I'm moved by something and don't talk about it, it keeps hunting and wearing me down till I let it out .. isn't that why I started writing to you in the first place ?? 

I'll leave you with a nice quote for Walter Benjamin, 

“It is only for those without hope that hope is given.”  

Till we meet, hopefully, I send you my greatest regards... 

Me! 

We all collect what we value the most

Dear You!

We haven't talked for 10 days now... I haven't heard from you .. and I feel like it is the wisest choice for now not to come and talk to you...

You'll come when you're ready .. and if you didn't .. then .. it is simply what it is...

Let me tell you about today .. or what seems like every day...

 Get up early .. coffee .. taking some time to actually wake up .. then .. lose time in making a total mundane list of things that don't actually change anything .. dance a little .. read a little .. eat .. do something either reading or stupid .. watch something .. then sleep I guess...

I want to write to you about the sun .. all I think I need is to collect light .. and shed them somewhere else... I value the sun .. but what about you??

These days things are feeling different .. I'm finally grasping what has happened since I started 'being' .. I'm coming to terms with a lot of things .. or releasing memories of my childhood .. my real anger, disappointments, and harsh judgment .. freeing my self from everything .. and it is taking time .. and energy. It is taking me more energy than I expected it to...

You know, when you release yourself from pain .. it takes energy too .. and it takes something else .. it takes time for you to release that you actually shook off, and recognize the room that you just emptied from your old baggage .. you feel like you're entering a new place .. that from a very far memory, is slightly recognizable...

I think I'm sleeping too much...

We change when the sun comes in .. deep in our darkest rooms...

Light is escaping through the holes I have.. you know, the ones I got through the different wars I fought (so far) .. they are cleaning me up .. it is always gonna be a mess within .. but I'm fine with it .. now I actually realized that I'm fine with it .. or I'm gonna be...

and I'm not in a hurry.. :)

Eventually, I'm coming to terms with the new storms on the horizon. I know, I'll fight, I might win, and I might lose .. but the numbers of the wounds I'll get mean only that there is gonna be more light inside...

And I collect light...

What about you, what are you collecting nowadays??

Love!

Me!

Street Lights

Dear You!

Growing up in my home town, we lived in a small apartment with my big family. I guess I was five years old back then, but I still remember my first encounter with street lights...

It was one of the nights where the power gets cut. Every whisper in the street is amplified .. you can hear the lady next door fighting with her husband as he forgot to buy the candles (again), distracted by random women passing by, the Imam reciting from Quran as a sign of faith in the dark, and the silence of my father heavy and loud.

And I remember the sky...

You see, when the lights went out, in a moonless night, the stars were liberated .. they kept glimmering from beyond, bringing sailors home and guiding the tamed hearts to endure the pain of love as a romantic endeavor that might be appreciated with a single glance ... maybe...

But to me, they told me endless stories, about a magic land .. where each star had a twin on earth it never can meet .. whispers in cloudless nights of velvet sands embracing passionate lovers .. a land where smiles dangle of an ancient olive tree .. while its roots are in touch with the eternal source of pure life...

The stars told me that my mother's daily tears are dried out in this land. My father will smile at her with a content .. can you imagine that !! 

They told me I'll be home .. there .. and I won't need a roof to hide .. I'll be liberated there, from all these earthly needs .. as my soul will be rooming around and landing mountain tips .. singing songs echoing eternally in the lonely valleys...

I'll become there, one of them, a star .. and my smile will finally chase the shadows of sadness into a sunny exile .. open the curtains of cozy homes, and keep the warmth in cold December nights... 

I felt my wings growing... I come closer to the window to choose my place .. and the brightness of street lights blind me. The power is back on .. and I'm again .. placeless...

Now, about twenty-seven years later, in another location on this earth .. far away from home .. street lights still hunt me down .. they hide most of my stars .. as they surrender to the infinite .. leaving me again .. homeless, unable to fly .. and still waiting for a moment to shine...

I hate street lights .. and I wanted to tell you that I do!

Sincerely,

Me!

Broken Woman

Dear You!

The moment I met you, I knew .. this guy is going to be in my life...

I was damaged when I met you .. beat up so bad that even picking up the pieces hurt .. but I saw you...

I'm a broken woman, and maybe I'll always be, .. but I patch my self up .. some pieces I still can't find .. and there are many holes that I can't fill .. and maybe never...

That's why I'm afraid of you .. because something about you makes me feel complete...

And I was never complete...

I think of you, and I feel safe... I feel balanced like the world decided to break from the endless madness that I'm used to...

I always had a problem sleeping... I woke up every two hours... I needed to breathe... I never felt safe...

And now I just think of you .. and the thought of that chases my demons away...

I started sleeping again...

I still have a lot of patching up to do before I come to you...

You're not ready...

I'm not ready too...

Maybe we'll never be .. and perhaps it is the only way to 'be' is with you...

I don't know...

And I don't believe in love too...

Love!

Me... 

On Fear..

Dear You!

Fear is okay .. you know to be afraid of the things you don’t know .. of disappointing people or being disappointed.. of love and life ...

Being afraid is not a shameful thing...

It just says something about your alignment with life .. as you have seen it so far .. and what you haven’t seen as well...

It is the never-ending war that will always arise from within .. peace is never on the table .. either fight or surrender...

There have been so many battles for me .. and I know there are many to come...

I fight and fall .. I’m injured most of the days and victorious in very few others .. but I know for sure that my enemy needs me alive .. and wants me to fight...

For fear to exist, it needs me to experience it, get lost, and fight, but I’ll never submit .. as I need my fear and that winning a battle shows me my strength while losing others shows me how much I need to work on...

My fear is my oldest enemy and most faithful friend .. it has always (when kept in check) showed me all the options .. it gave me a choice .. and with its endless combats .. it renewed what I have once forfeited .. and prepared me for other ones...

I guess no one can conquer all their fears .. but by the time I’m gone... I hope I would’ve conquered my fear to come with completely walls down .. to you...

Sincerely yours,

Me!