Dear You,
I'm convinced of the power of forgiveness and its liberating power .. I'm still struggling to forgive you, though...
The dilemma here that now I know what I need to forgive you for was something of my own doing.
I need to forgive that you were the silent witness of a series of self-inflicting wounds did to myself by accepted you as a choice in my life.
I guess I always knew and stubbornly ignored that you and I will never work out. I felt in every moment. with every detail I get to know about you, you became a stranger to me .. and I was scared to face that truth .. the image I weaved about you .. was, in reality, the negation of who you really were .. and I was a coward, my dear, to confess that bitter truth to my self: my superhero is somewhere else, and I, with the naivety and disconnection of reality .. gave it your face.
I guess I owe you an apology .. not to release you from the endless pain you caused of incapability of being decent enough to try ( as I witnessed that you do with all the other things you 'want') .. but my apology comes from a sincere feeling of injustice that I laid on you, by strangling you with expectations...
Today, after endless months of swinging between blame and pain, I allowed myself to acknowledge the truth. My fragility at that time was fed deeply by you. You were unable to recognize your self, and you did confess it. I should've been true to myself and allow that truth to sink in: it is a pure reality that you won't be able to recognize me as well.
Like you, I was strangled with a life of uncertainties that I thought having you will make that bearable. And you ask me now what changed? I guess just a simple thing: I decided to accept the uncertainties .. and by accepting them, a new light emerged, and I saw me and, to my utter surprise: it is beautiful .. and I saw how much being together with you was the worst experience of estrangement: I was living in the rift: in the shattered space between us, alone, where you and I never came together. How fortunate the future is, that this in-betweenness didn't belong to any world, and it didn't become one as well...
I was confused by everything I thought I knew about life and found out I was a prisoner of shaking and conflicting norms and stories .. that I lost the true essence of what gives them life .. my self. You see, we give the pulse to the world in between when we choose to show up and hold our ground. It needs two pulses, my dear, and unfortunately, there was only one...
Loving you resulted in losing faith in the magic that this unworldly experience ... the fairytale .. the constructed image of what love is and isn't .. so .. sadly, I got liberated...
And now, Forgiving, you mean that I forgive myself and that I am completely free .. and I guess I'm in that process...
I will be free soon,
Hope we never crossroads again,
Me!
